My partner just pulled me up on something I wrote in yesterday’s blog.
The part I wrote about money.
We nearly always agree on everything and just discovered something which we totally disagree on.
Utterly fascinating.
She would LOVE to win the lottery.
I felt quite angry and said “I would rather commit suicide than win the lottery”.
She said “If I won twenty seven million on the lottery I would use it to start a business and make another twenty seven million”.
I replied “but what’s the fu*king point of that, I want to make my own money, it has to be an acknowledgement of who I am”.
Which is interesting, because I suddenly realise I have a belief system where I have money and self-worth collapsed.
I use money as a measure of my effectiveness in the world.
And perhaps my money reflects my self worth. Or at the least that I have done something worthwhile.
Yet bizarrely, I made the majority of my salary last year by doing bugger all.
A very good friend of mine once commented on the fact I was more anxious and depressed when I didn’t have money. He suggested if I got all my loans sorted out, I would be much happier.
I think he may have had it the wrong way around.
On the surface it looked that way, the reality was the anxiety and depression probably reflected my self-worth and my money situation simply ran parallel to it.
As I said in my blog the other night, I am learning about self-worth. I am learning I don’t need external validation.
Imagine a life where every criticism knocks you flat.
That’s been me up until now.
So maybe there are some other questions I should asking myself about money…
Maybe you could ask the same questions.
Of all the people I know who have money, who has done something worthwhile?
Do I know anyone (who doesn’t have this belief system) with a lot of money who is truly worthless as a human being?
If money isn’t a measure of value, what is it a measure of?
Is money simply a stand alone energy we can have as little or as much as we like of?
If I got given a twenty seven million dollar advance for my next book how would I feel about it? (considering I haven’t written it yet)
And finally…
If I would rather commit suicide than win the lottery, why do I enter every week?
See you on the other side of the looking glass,
May 5th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
Mark, I do understand your battle. It is struggle that I believe many males in society have. We are the PROVIDERS and are measured by how well we provide for our families. If a man does not possess much material wealth then often times he can be viewed as less than desirable. There are many levels to this belief around money and for men it can be a measure of self worth if allowed.