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I love my life, I really do, but am I really living it? Or will I live it tomorrow, when time has already been and gone?

There are versions of the life I could have lived, lost out there in the sands of time because of the choices I’ve made.
The obvious ones are forgotten lovers.

I have fallen in love with several people during my life, and with the exception of my current relationship, I almost never recognize it at the time.
It used to be hard to distinguish between a person who comforted my anxiety and someone who really lit me up.
I can count on one hand the people I didn’t do enough for and in turn they slipped through these same fingers in one way or another.

Even in my current relationship I am now wondering if I am doing enough to nurture it’s longevity for a lifetime.
It is easy to fall into a routine as love blossoms. I have everything I want and more, perhaps I need to remind my partner of this more often.

I awoke from a dream earlier and it was so real, for a moment I thought it was really happening.
When I was 16 I fell in love with someone a lot younger than me.
When I was 18 or 19 I left a relationship I was in to be with that person.
I was only with her for a matter of moments, but the experience was amazing.
More significant things happened in that week of my teenage life than in any other.
I redefined my taste in music and experienced the timeless bliss of love in summer meadows, wondering at the nature of the Universe.

What happened next was a bit of a life changing event.
Under massive pressure from my friends, I was persuaded to return to my original pining girlfriend.
I was told that knocking around with a load of 15 and 16 year olds, going to parties with them, just wasn’t cool.
Getting back with my original girlfriend massaged my ego, for a split second she was flatteringly attentive.
Familiar ground and a reunion late at night led to me walking home in turmoil.
Stupidly, I succumbed to everyone else’s advice and made a wrong decision (for me).

I don’t think I saw the other girl for many years after that.
Somewhere in the back of my mind some infinite possibilities were lost.
Somewhere in the pit of my stomach 30 years on I can occasionally remember the feeling of separation.
Not for the first time, I had given up love, for the opinion of others. I was a fool!

Within days, the original relationship went back to being a roller coaster ride of jealousy, even dominated my life for 8 months when I moved to London shortly afterwards.
So what do I think might have happened if I had stood up to my peers?
Who knows, I may even have stayed in my home town? I might even be there today…

I actually have a recurring dream where I am a bit older and walk the route to the girl’s house.
In my dreams we are together under all sorts of different circumstances.
Last night I was in Los Angeles going to meet her at a party.
And when I wake up, I almost never realize I am 46 years old and have a daughter the same age this girl was when I first met her.

I haven’t seen her in years, yet a part of her is somehow stuck with me.
Some of the things we did are like photographic memories.
But why does this relationship stick in my mind?
I don’t think she is someone I need to suddenly have in my life thirty years on. I don’t even think I should have done anything any differently. What I have now, wisdom, is no match for youth. And I probably wouldn’t give it too much thought if it wasn’t for the dreams.

I definitely would not change the relationship I am currently in. By design, it is perfect.
I struggled through countless relationships to decide what works and what doesn’t to find out the kind of relationship I want to be in.
When I met my current partner, I immediately knew she was the one.
They say, you’ll know true love when you find it.

I am not sure as a teenager I knew very much about anything.
With benefit of thirty years hindsight perhaps!
As she sat there on the back of my friend’s moped, all those years ago, I was mesmerized.
And when my chance came?
Perhaps I wasn’t ready to “accept” love and felt I had to fight for it?

Or perhaps the lesson is more simple?
I think the answer is, I didn’t have the wisdom to take a stand for what I believed in.
I didn’t take responsibility for my feelings and fight for my right to be in love.

So you see, that is why I am grateful for that lesson and grateful for the dreams.
They remind me to love the people I love now and not wait thirty years to tell them I have loved them.
To stop and count my blessings, and to always do what is right for me!

See you on the other side of the looking glass,

creative thinker | innovator | visionary