PODCAST: The Display

 

Standing in the cold alone, surrounded by people. The glow of the fire to my far right illuminating the crowd. Head buried deeply in my hat and chin partially suffocated by a clean cotton hippie scarf which rubs against my unshaven face each time I move my chin.

I fold my arms and shrink into my boots. I want to remain un-noticed. I don’t want them to know I came on my own. Single men at events where children gather are viewed by my mother with suspicion and the last thing I ever want to be is one of those guys my mother views with suspicion.

I am a big guy, in my big coat with my belly and muscle. I am six foot and proud, I expand. Perhaps intimidation will keep me safe? If I look scary enough they will leave me alone and those creeps my mother always points out seem to shrivel into their greasy coats as if they have something to be abashed about.

I actually don’t have anything to be abashed about. Fucking children is really not my thing, the idea of having sex with anyone under the age of forty is pretty unpalatable. What really fascinates me is the children I once knew all have beards and curves and it is a delight to stare and puzzle over how once they were mere babes in arms.

So I continue to expand, like a wrestler ready to strike his opponent. Yes, this is the way to feel safe. Then it happens. BUMP! I crash into the annoying thirteen year old kid who has more H in his ADHD than a kitten rolling in catnip.

GRUNT!

Well clearly that hasn’t worked either. Is there no middle ground? No way I can just be comfortable in my own skin. I drop my shoulders again and allow my arms to hang by my sides. Tai Chi straight… I let go of my belly. I don’t know these people and they don’t care if I am Rocky or Horror.

I bend my knees and relax. That’s it now, I am neither here nor there. I am just me in a sea of crowd listening to the old lady’s tale about her gardner. Grumpy mud whuck with a shovel, you know the type.

I watch the kid cry that wants daddy to elevate him to his shoulder to see the display. And then the display. Something happens. I experience the display as it is and not through the paradigm of ‘how do I make this fun for my child’.

He is away.

It’s shit. Really it’s shit. Partial satisfaction with the feeling that I would be fully satisfied had I not missed the bit where I was looking after my son is I have to say considerably better than actually seeing all of it and noticing it’s rubbish.

I recommend taking children to all displays. I recommend engaging with them and believing you missed something amazing. I recommend watching them grow up and smiling when they dance. Above all I recommend not playing small and not playing big. I recommend having the grace to accept yourself as you are.

See you on the other side of the looking glass,

Anurajyati (be in love!)

Mark Ty-Wharton

HEY YOU… BUY MY BOOK?

PODCAST: But Mummy I’m Addicted To Crack…

 

The Addict, Is It Really Who You Are?

All addictions lead to altered states.

The addict has it’s own persona.

All aspects of personality are habitual.

Some habits are more useful than others.

Cease to identify with the characters which play out your life.

Design a new identity in language, create a constitution. Only take actions which are in alignment with the identity which you create. If taking an action causes you to vary from your created identity too much, then don’t take the action. If you take a negative action remember it wasn’t you that took it. That is not to say that you absolve responsibility, more that in a world where you are who you say you are then you do not identify with who you are not.

How Does It work?

The body is a biogenetic machine.

The mind is the machine code.

All thoughts that arise in the machine’s code are habitual.

Some habits are more useful than others.

The next thought that comes to mind will be THE predominant thought YOU have always had about this. The reaction you have will be the thought you have always had about these words. You are not your thoughts. You can alter your thoughts by stimulation of experience. You therefore have control over who it is that you are in the world.

But What About My Addiction?

If I talk about drugs you have always had the same thoughts.
Take a look at these words:

Adrenalin, Alcohol, Betting, Computer Games, Depression, Drugs, Food, Gambling, Laziness, Internet, Masturbation, Pornography, Prostitution, Sex, Smoking, Sugar, TV, Working Out.

What do these words trigger? Are the thoughts that come to mind thoughts you have always had about these things? When did you first think them? Are they your thoughts or did you inherit them? Who from?

And thoughts are based on logical decisions, so the logical decisions that were made at the time of the decision were based on a set of circumstances which made perfect sense and now may or may not still exist. What was right for you then (whatever the reasoning) may no longer be appropriate for you now.

Why Does It Have Such A Hold Over Me?

The habit was formed around something which may no longer be there but the habit seems as if it remains relevant. Partly because these things get written into muscle memory, a cycle of adrenalin or anticipation for the addictive event followed by a period of relaxation or an altered state.

Once something is in this kind of memory it becomes a reflex. When things are driven by feelings in the body it is sometimes hard to tell what the drive to do certain things is. You can get to the core addiction by eliminating toxic habits from your immediate environment and then seeing what is left.

Someone whose core addiction is gambling may associate smoking with gambling and find it hard to stop. It is a case of discovering which one comes first and eliminating the need to do it.

Familiars

Identity is stitched together with familiar objects. Familiar objects trigger memories and memories lead to repeating certain actions. To break identity you can get rid of familiar objects. Anything that provides a trigger for a mental or physical state can cause actions consistent with a habitual action.

Binge eaters should change their saucepans, compulsive smokers should get rid of lighters and ash trays, wankers throw out your copies of Penthouse and switch off your Internet.

See you on the other side of the looking glass,

Anurajyati (be in love!)

Mark Ty-Wharton

HEY YOU… BUY MY BOOK?