mark ty-wharton

Okay.

Panic Away is working.

I can see I initially had generalized anxiety as a child, then as I got older started to add situational anxiety into the mix.

When I was around 17 or 18 I tried smoking grass. While the initial effect left me with a profound at oneness with the Universe, my experience only extended as far as my high school religious teacher’s understanding of Bhuddism.

I really made it all mean something it was not.

Once at the public house that we were walking to, the laughter became an acute panic attack coupled with a feeling I was going mad.

Thirty years later I get to see I have my conversations about enlightenment and my experiences taking drugs collapsed.

My experience of getting high, IS a panic attack. So my experience of panic IS of expanded consciousness.

I am afraid if I expand consciousness too far, I will lose touch with real Mark and never get back.

I hold my breath for ages, then take a series of fast breaths till I get to the point I will faint.

I suspect I may have fainted at some point while “out of it” and don’t recall the event.

Up until the weekend I had a fear of not remembering what I had done.

Or, I would hazard a guess at it being the dentist, or an operation. Maybe how I interpreted something they said while I was under.

What I am really enjoying is being in the game of disappearing panic.

I can live with it sure, I have done it forever.

I can’t live with the conversation I am an enlightened being though, it is ridiculous.

Landmark Education just handed me a profound new understanding of what it is to be human, it is.

My understanding is Landmark is not really about enlightenment. What I have got is enlightenment about enlightenment!

There’s a looking glass sure, the reality on the other side is way deeper than mere reflection and certainly not whacky.

And breathe

See you on the other side,

mark ty wharton

I completed The Landmark Forum last night, an empowering three day self-discovery course based on the world famous EST training, originally designed by United States Air Force leadership training consultant Werner Erhard.

The course was made famous by a string of celebrities like John Denver and Mike Oldfield whose careers literally exploded after doing it.

Werner also created The Hunger Project and consults with both Landmark and Harvard Business School.

I spent close to sixty hours in a chair exploring what it is to be human. Kind of a tough call for someone so alienated from society.

So now I am really clear where the spaced out and wacky Mark originates from. I actually connected with me. Not like an existential conversation about connecting with me, but a real connection with my being. I found “I”.

I also discovered I was quite literally born into a conversation for anxiety. Personal to me and not a part of the course. Maybe the reason I only got a fraction of what is possible in the past.

I have been in a state of general anxiety from the day I was born. I was given phenol barbitone when I was a tiny baby and was an agitated child. Pretty extreme. Poor me.

And suddenly here I am 46 years in with glimpses into what it is like to have normal adrenalin levels without using depression as the control factor.

What I really got was I have been using anxiety and panic attacks to manipulate people into giving me special consideration.

What I got to see from my participation in the course is that I don’t breathe properly. I hyperventilate and end up thinking really crazy stuff. And have done it so much, the unreality of it dictates my reality.

It is a very effective way of controlling people. “Look after me or I will lose it” leaves friends and family at their wits end wondering what to do.

Then we dealt with the issue of fear on the course. For some it disappeared. For me, I am in a place where I can take responsibilty for myself and do something about it.

I invent a new beginning for myself and recreate myself as a clearing for the possibility of being truly magical.

And I can see my relationship to my past is dictated by the possibility I invent for my future.

So my experience over the past few days occurs for me as truly magical, right down to the leader Jerry Baden, the flowers and the snow.

I also understood the whole course and was present (in mind at least) to the language right down to the commas.

So what next?

My transport museum conversation is expanding really quickly. I am piecing together key people to make it work and may even have someone lined up to buy the building to put it in.

Landmark disappeared my issues about marketing forever. And, I have partnered with someone to market my book.

I also made a decision to purchase a product which deals specifically with anxiety and panic. To do the program the way it is designed and to complete it.

I ordered Panic Away and have been working through the program.

It is all very grounding.

See you on the other side of the looking glass,

mark ty wharton

Wow…

I discovered something that terrifies me and I made the fear part disappear on my Landmark Forum.

When I am at home I talk out loud at pretty much anything and everything.

My inner dialog is external for the kettle, the toaster and everything else.

I discovered from time to time I speak out loud in public, if I am really focusing on something.

It is very common for people with Aspergers to grunt or make strange noises. My grunts come in the form of sentences from time to time.

The fear lives in “what If” as in “what if I speak my negative inner dialogues out loud”.

Like “I hate those shoes” or “she’s got a big bum” or worse.

Up until now i just went into anxiety and panic attacks at the mere thought of it. And while I love being in the machinery of my mind, I would space out instead, as well as avoid breathing so I didn’t have to deal with it.

Today I let go of the fear.

What seems to have happened is, instead of straining to keep myself quiet, I am allowing myself to just be with it.

For me, it meant “I am mad” and I was desperate to control it. And in reality I actually say some fairly sane stuff.

As a commitment to my acceptance of my inner, sometimes unintentional outer voice, I am going to clean up my act.

From now on to eternity, I choose to mention at least one positive thing in my inner dialog, about every individual who comes into my space.

And if I happen to mention your big bum out loud, you might want to consider it is only my opinion.

See you on the other side of the looking glass,

Mark Ty-Wharton